Self-belief can be like a shadow in the midday sun. Just as we think we have caught it, it can recede surprisingly quickly. Our self-confidence is having to deflect blows on an hourly basis. With social media, for example, it is impossible to escape negative comparisons. Most people do not strive to up with the Joneses anymore. . . it is more like they are trying to crush the Joneses underfoot at every given opportunity. Self-belief (AKA: confidence) should have no connection with crushing the Joneses.
Here is a road map, a step by step plan, to improve your self-confidence, designed by the coaches, trainers and psychologists who nurture self-esteem for a living.
POWER UP
Practice good posture. The act of literally pulling oneself up, has a positive psychological effect that is powerful. Lengthen your spine and neck, lift your chin and eye line, support your lower back with strong abdominals, and press any sagging shoulders up and back.
According to Mr David Waters, therapist and coach, a wonderful private exercise is to "practice a power pose, with arms raised, chin up and chest out. Emulating the posture of winners triggers a positive hormonal shift, reduces anxiety-producing cortisol, and boosts confidence-enhancing hormones." Think Rocky Balboa and the Philadelphia Art Museum steps!
TAKE A BREATH
Serenity encourages confidence. Confidence is connected to breathing. Breathing "out" or exhalation promotes composure. The heart tends to speed up slightly upon inhalation, and slow down a bit with exhalation. The action is subtle enough that none of us know it is even happening.
EXHALATION is a way to activate a powerful calming tool: the parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic system quiets us down.
INHALATION is connected to the fight or flight response.
One way you can turn on the restful response is simply by making your exhalation longer. Use a 4-4-6-2 rhythm of breathing. Inhale for a silent count of 4, pause for a count of 4, exhale for 6 beats, then stop for 2 beats, before starting over again.
Lengthening your out-breath relative to your in-breath counteracts the fight-or-flight response. This promotes calmness, quickly soothes racing thoughts and instills confidence.
FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE
One of the challenges that a lot of people face is that they intertwine their identity with "what they do,” says Mr Simon Sinek, author of Find Your Why. People tend to introduce themselves by their school or major or by their activities or job title because they attach such status to these things. When they move away, change schools, or activities, it can send confidence crashing. “I define myself by who I am – an optimist – not by other things,” Sinek says.
LIFT OTHERS
We boost our own confidence as we build confidence in others. Giving others an uplift with a compliment will give you and them a physiological and psychological boost, and they will perceive you as more confident and treat you as such, so you get a further boost. It becomes a positive-feedback loop.
ASK OPEN QUESTIONS
Maintaining a fluid conversation, confidently, and in a way that helps others is all about asking open-ended questions that encourage more than a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response. Queries that start with who, what, where or how can lead to more interesting discussions and show that you’re genuinely interested in the other person’s thoughts and feelings. This can significantly enhance your confidence and ease in small-talk situations.
CONNECTING-- NOT COPYING OR BOASTING
We often get the idea that confidence is about being the center of attention or being the best at something. That is wrong. It is more about putting people at ease. It helps to focus on connecting with people rather than focusing on our performance. You should direct your energy towards establishing a connection with people instead of merely aiming to impress them.
DON'T WORRY
"Recognise that chronic worry, although a defence mechanism against feeling helpless and out of control, leads to excessive anxiety and stress that lower your self-confidence,” says Dr Nick Wignall, a clinical psychologist. “Learn to tolerate the discomfort of feeling helpless and accept that there are things you can’t control. This will free your mind and allow self-confidence to grow."
STOP SCROLLING
"If we are doing better than others, we’re happy,” Wood says, talking about social media and self-esteem. “But if the comparisons are less fortunate, we’re not happy. Confidence needs to start with feeling comfortable in our own skin. This must come from inner attitudes. It will never come from outer social pressures."
LEARN TO SAY, "ENOUGH!"
"Curb negative internal dialogues using a powerful trigger word, such as ‘stop’ or ‘enough’,” Waters says. This cognitive behavioural therapy tip can immediately interrupt self-defeating thoughts and refocus the mind. “Saying these words out loud intensifies the effect, opens up new, more optimistic thought patterns and consequently enhances confidence."
MISTAKES ARE NOT ALWAYS BAD - DO NOT DWELL
Instead, learn to accept feelings of guilt, regret and disappointment and stop using rumination as an escape. By building a healthier relationship with these difficult emotions, you can stop them from undermining your self-confidence. Understand that many mistakes lead us to better choices in the future. Of course we should make atonement for mistakes that hurt others. So, ask forgiveness, atone, and learn the lesson. Do those things rather than giving mistakes power over you.
REFRAME SETBACKS
When you experience a setback, take a moment to review and reframe,” says Major Sam McGrath, a neuro-linguistic programming coach and author of Be Para Fit. “This helps shift focus on results to a more positive perspective. For instance, if on your first attempt in an assessment you score two out of 10, the reframe encourages focus on the two correct answers and how to build on this success, not the eight incorrect ones.
WRITE IT DOWN
Write down your wants and needs. Try to discern one from the other. Many of us ignore our deep needs due to various negative experiences, which leads to low self-confidence. Retrain your brain to define your wants and needs. This practice enhances self-confidence by demonstrating that you can accomplish difficult tasks, even when you’re uncertain.
TAKE ACTION (BABY STEPS OR EAT THE FROG)
BABY STEPS - Even the smallest acts can empower you to push through and keep moving forward. Make your bed, make your breakfast, have a workout routine and create tangible projects that build towards your desired goal.
EAT THE FROG - Do the thing you dread the most . . . first. Get it out of the way.
No matter which course(s) of action you choose . . . take action . . . everyday.
TRY ANCHORING
Anchoring connects positive emotions to trigger points, so you can import a mental state from a past event when you need it the most. This information shared by neuro-linguistic programming coach, Major Sam McGrath. It works by reminding your brain of a time when you felt confident. The process of re-immersing yourself in a positive memory changes your state of mind. At the height of re-experiencing the feeling, you use a trigger point, for example squeezing the knuckle on your little finger hard, to anchor the desired feeling to a part of your body. You then use that physical trigger to create the feeling when you need it in the future. This is a powerful neuro-linguistic programming trick! It is also classic Skinner!
CELEBRATE SMALL WINS
Building unshakeable self-confidence comes not from external validation but from celebrating those small, daily wins that no one else sees. You should absolutely set a long-term goal, but break it down into smaller monthly, weekly and even daily targets so that winning each day, and believing in yourself, becomes second nature.
ACTIVE LEARNING = HIGHER CONFIDENCE
Active learning keeps us sharp, so fall in love with learning. Learn a new language, master a style of cooking, join the taekwondo club, or audition for a play. Do not be afraid of failing at first. Confidence is not based on your ability to succeed at a task, but your ability to persist and quite possibly even succeed. Challenge in the form of learning new things boosts your confidence.
MENTALLY REHEARSE
Sports psychologists use visualisation as a highly effective tool for building confidence among athletes suffering a drop in form. The guided imagery process is simple. When you visualize, you prepare yourself to experience your goal, developing self-confidence and conviction as you go. Rehearsing your golf swing or imagining yourself giving that speech activate your neural circuitry. Research suggests that visualization stimulates the brain in many of the same ways as actual experience.
WORK OUT
Exercise can be a huge boost to your self-confidence. It has been shown to reduce depression, anxiety, and negative moods. In direct opposition to those negative emotions, exercise boosts self-esteem and cognitive function. The American Psychological Association has noted through studies that working out regularly, which requires a commitment, is a huge confidence building accomplishment. Sticking to a new habit increases confidence.
KEEP IT REAL
All confidence is based on relaxation, not on the phoney reality-TV-showlike displays of dominating the space and holding court. To improve confidence, create an everyday routine of doing things that relax you, so it becomes a habit and part of your physiological baseline. Make time for breathing exercises, walks in nature, listening to music, reading and hobbies. When we are stressed out, these are the first things we give up, but they are the very things that keep us grounded.
MAKE THESE CHANGES HABIT
Everyone experiences a confidence-crushing moment at one time or another. But once you have these tools and you make them a habit, then stressful moments are no longer a problem. The body’s chemistry starts to change to our advantage. Cortisol, the anxiety-inducing hormone, ebbs away and we get confidence-boosting hits of testosterone, which helps us feel more capable and in control.
sources
Rob Kemp
Soutenus
Dr Gary Wood
David Walters
Mr Simon Sinek, author of Find Your Why
Major Sam McGrath, a neuro-linguistic programming coach and author of Be Para Fit
The American Psychological Association
Gary Genard speech coach
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