Submit pictures of your KWOs
Submit your completed 5 paragraph essay
Two of the body paragraphs: History of Chocolate and Milton Hershey. You decide what the third body paragraph should be.
Remember to include your thesis statement in the intro
Required stylistic requirements:
Indicate 1 of each BUILDING BLOCK
Indicate 7 OPENERs
Indicate 5 Enhancements
Indicate 1 M3
List your sources under your essay
NO banned words (except forms of "to eat.")
NO contractions
NO conversation
Checklist required
Proper formatting required: double space using toolbar, Indent, Merriweather 11 to 12 point font
Proper Title Block
Remember your name at the top
(-10 if missing) NAME: Laila Collver
Chocolate!
by
Laila Collver
Chocolate has been around for as long as we can remember. (ALLIT) But where did this delicious dessert actually originate? (Q) Who do we owe our thanks to? Chocolate has transformed from an ancient ceremonial drink into a global industry, thanks to its rich history, innovative pioneers such as Milton Hershey, and Belgium’s dedication to mass production.
(S) The history of chocolate can be traced back to around 1500 BC. The ancient Olmecs lived in Central and South America and used cacao beans to make a ceremonial drink. They later passed their knowledge down to the Mayans, who spiced this drink with chili pepper, honey, and water. (11e) Chocolate’s introduction to Europe remains unknown, though some suspect Christopher Columbus introduced chocolate. In the 1500s, hot chocolate gained popularity in the Spanish Court. Word of this tasty drink soon began to spread to other countries. The Europeans made their version of hot chocolate by replacing the ancient ingredients with modern ingredients because they did not like spicy flavors. French Queen Marie Antoinette was especially fond of hot chocolate and even had a personal chocolate maker.
(HIS) Milton Hershey is an iconic figure who helped revolutionize chocolate. He grew up in a poor family and received very little education. He became the apprentice of a confectioner in Pennsylvania when he was fourteen years old. (2) After Hershey finished his apprenticeship, he borrowed 150 dollars from his aunt to start a candy shop. (6) However, his attempt was unsuccessful. (A+)(M3-v) He traveled from city to city, attempting to establish a chocolate business, but was met by failure. Hershey’s first success was in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where he founded a successful caramel company. (1) Because it was not Hershey’s passion, he decided to sell his caramel company. His goal was to make chocolate popular with regular people. At that time, chocolate was considered a delicacy from Switzerland. Hershey started experimenting with chocolate making, trying to perfect his recipe. Later, Hershey began the mass production of milk chocolate, making it affordable for the average person. By the end of that year, he sold his first Hershey Bar. (10) Five years later, he built a chocolate factory and established a community around it for his employees.
In terms of production, Belgium is home to the world's largest chocolate factory. (4) Producing 1,000 tons of chocolate per day, it only has 900 workers. The factory supplies liquid chocolate to Nestle, Unilever, Hershey, etc. It has even made a replica of a tropical forest where cacao beans are grown.
The next time you indulge in this rich, creamy dessert, remember the centuries of craftsmanship behind this beloved treat. Chocolate has evolved over time due to its complex history, the innovations of Milton Hershey, and the contributions from Belgium. (4-LANG) Together they work to form the chocolate we know today.
What I really liked about your essay:
Wow—this is a fantastic essay! Your structure is clear, your use of stylistic techniques adds flair, and your research is solid and well-integrated. I especially loved the way you tied together history, a key figure, and a modern global connection through Belgium. Your transitions are smooth, and your conclusion wraps it up beautifully with a thoughtful reflection. You clearly put a lot of thought and effort into this piece—great job!
Constructive Criticism and Advice:
Clarify and polish sentence phrasing:
In this sentence: “The Europeans made their version of hot chocolate by replacing the ancient ingredients with modern ingredients because they did not like spicy flavors.”
→ Try tightening the wording to avoid repetition:
“Europeans adapted the recipe by replacing spicy ingredients with sugar and milk, preferring a sweeter taste.”Watch for clarity and word choice in some spots:
The line “Together they work to form the chocolade we know today.” has a typo ("chocolade" instead of "chocolate"). Also, "they work to form" is a bit awkward.
→ Try: “Together, these influences shaped the chocolate we know and love today.”Give a bit more detail on Belgium’s role in modern chocolate culture:
You introduced Belgium nicely, but you could enhance it slightly by tying it to the culture of chocolate in Belgium, not just its factory. For example:
“Belgium is not only home to the largest chocolate factory in the world but is also famous for its artisanal chocolates and rich chocolate-making tradition.”
Overall:
This is an impressive and well-rounded essay. With a little fine-tuning in word choice and clarity, this could easily be a model piece for your grade level (or beyond!). Keep up the great writing—you have a strong voice and excellent organization!
CHECKLIST: LOVE IT!!
BUILDING BLOCKS
w/w Mayans, who spiced
ly was especially fond
bc because they did
asia when he was
prep in Lancaster, Pennsylvania
PA a tropical forest
VV Chocolate has evolved
OPENERS:
(S), The history of
(1) Because it was
(2) After Hershey finished
(3)
(4) Producing 1,000 tons
(5)
(6) However, his attempt
(7)
(8)
(9)
(10) Five years later,
(11e) Chocolate’s introduction to
(11d)
ENHANCEMENTS:
(Q) Who do we owe
(HIS) Milton Hershey is
(A+) He traveled from
(ALLIT) But where did
(4-LANG) Together they work
M3:
(M3-v) He traveled from
No comments:
Post a Comment